As anger grows into understanding-

Years grow to months
months to weeks
weeks to days
days to hours
and hours to minutes

I sympathize, for you.
What life you had already lost
to end with one last ultimatum.

I understand, why you chose to not.

Growing older, I understand a lot more,
when it comes to people's decisions.

And your decision was, no more decisions.

I get it. I get it now.
Because I'm facing the same ultimatum.

And I'm looking at all my options.
Pros, cons.
Pros that overpower, a multitude of cons.

Who means what, and what means to who.

As minutes grow to hours
hours to days
weeks to months
and months to years..
I will decide, what I want to do.

They call you my shepard-

They call you my Shepard.

They call you my King.

All which I've believed,

Without proof to be seen.

Triumphing in your reign

While everything seemed okay

Now that the storm has moved in

I can't answer the pending question.

"Where have you been?"

The North Star has been clouded by all this fog

Or have you shined ever so bright?

Or did I just play along?

They call you my Shepard,

So why can't you find me?

They call you my King,

But these chains, have kept me from being free.

The door being closed, 

I've come knocking.

But you, have the handle..

Please open, for me.

What a shame-

What a shame, you couldn't love me for however long you planned..
What a shame, I couldn't keep your attention with your vast attention span.

I hope she ignites your interest, and holds it above the water.
I'd hate to see her washed up, on this same vacant shore.

Write, erase-

There is so much on my mind..
But I keep writing, and erasing it all.

I don't know what it is.
I don't know what holds me back from saying how I feel.

I don't know what makes it so difficult to just spit it out.
I don't know what makes it so difficult to find the words, that fit my emotions.

Write, erase.
Write, erase.

BFF-

I've never really been able to call someone my best friend, and had it said back.

I've called others my best friend, but they never saw me the same way.

I'm so proud to call Chelsea MY best friend.

Hahahaha.

I'm such a creep.

I'm way cheesy.

She loves it, and I love her.

But seriously, she's pulled me out of the mess I was in.

And from day one, she's given me a sense of belonging.

I couldn't ever thank her enough for that.

I may not have a lot, but I have her.

And right now she is all I need.

(:

That's all for today!

OH &- New Moon is in 9 days. (:

I want something new-

I want something new, so so bad.

I'm so tired of the same old.

The daily routine.

I want to wake up with a sense of adventure.

I want someone calling me at 2 AM asking me to go on a late night drive.

I want to go skinny dipping in someone else's pool.

I want something that will make me feel like I'm alive.

I want someone to make me feel something different.

 Could that someone be you?

MY time-

Starts now.

I'm going to start putting myself first.

I'm going to take care of myself, as if I was all I had.

I am all I have.

I have friends.

But friendships are so fragile.

Without even meaning to, one can be ruined in a matter of minutes.

I'm going to keep my friends.

I'm not saying I'm going to stop holding their trust, and my friendship with them..

But if they all left me

What do I have left?

So starting today, everything I do is going to be because it benefits me and makes me a better person.

Not because it makes you smile, and I pretend that is all that matters.

Because in all honesty, I'd like to be the one smiling.

OH &-

I want a camera for Christmas.

I don't even know-

About anyone or anything anymore.

Let alone myself.

I don't know why I continuously set myself up for failure.

It's like I'm playing with fire.

I know i'll get burned, and all fires will burn me.

Yet, I still have some sick fascination with it.

As if I think I'm immune to a burn.

I seem to think fire will quench my thirst.

That's how ignorant I am.

Time to extinguish this mess I've made

And see what's left when the smoke clears.

Which I'm sure, isn't much.

Domino effect-

It's funny how one bad incident, one falling out can lead to a number of bad incidents or falling outs.

I feel like it's just one thing after another.

And I don't feel like making the effort in setting myself up again, in feat that I will just get knocked down again.

Lately, I've been a pessimist. And I don't like that.

I just wish that my life wasn't so scattered right now.

I wish I could find the pieces, so I could begin patching myself together.

I know it'll be hard, and I'll be stepping out of my comfort zone in doing so..

But I have to.

What chance do I have, without risk anyways?

Hmmmm.

Back to square one.

Sick and tired, or being sick and tired. In every sense-

I've yet to meet someone who has been able to prove to me that trust is attainable.
Every example I've ever had has let me down.
In one way, or another.
No one knows what it means, or how to respect the ones they care for.
 I feel so much safer in the four walls that I've built, and I plan on staying there.
Where no one can reach me.
It's to the point where I'd almost rather feel nothing, than feel betrayal or heartache.
And I hate that I feel that way.
They say that once you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up.
I wonder what all that applies to.
I wonder if it means.. that, everyone in your life can fuck you over multiple times..
then one day magically it'll all change and everyone that comes into your life will be trustworthy and loyal?
Doubting it.
I've been at rock bottom for a while now.
And even through my most optimistic days, there is always someone there to humble me.
Someone to say, who are you kidding?
I wish that when you were born you came with a letter, that you could read when you came of age..
Saying-

Dear Brynn,
Welcome to the planet Earth, where everyone back stabs each other and at the end of the day, all that matters is yourself. And everyone lives that way. No matter how good you are to people, karma does not exist. No one can ever offer you the love that you could offer them. So you're better off just loving yourself, and dying alone.
Sincerely,
The man in the sky.

What if's and maybe's-

I can't help but wonder what life would of been like if you would have never left us.

If I would be happier than I am now, if we would fight just like mom and I do..

I wonder if I'd be able to trust any male figure that enters my life to stick around.

I wonder if my view of heaven would be so open. Since you broke the rules by taking the easy way out.

I wonder if you look down at me and cry, and get angry like I do. Angry that you can't hold my hand, or brush through my hair, or dance with me at the bottom of the stairs. 

I hate what you've done to me, what hole you've left in who I am.

I hate that everyday that passes, the sound of your voice starts to slip from my memory.

Or maybe I hate it more that it's been 5 years and I can still smell you every time I look at your leather coats.

Maybe it's that I can see you're twinkle in grandma's eye.

Maybe it's that I know I have a long ways to go without you leading the way.

Maybe it's that I never got to say goodbye.

Maybe it's that I didn't know you would leave.

Or maybe it's just that I know you're not that far from me.

Maybe it's that I know you can see me, but I can't see you.

Or maybe it's that I know I'll see you again one day,

but patience is a virtue, that I have yet to learn.

I'm officially the worst bowler I know-

So, last night instead of going to the haunted asylum in Tooele.. we went bowling. We showed up at the asylum and it looked really dumb. Total waste of gas, but singing to cheesy country songs and sippin' on some Arizona green tea made it all the better. Haha.
I have a problem. You see, I get really cocky when it comes to games.. and I do good for the first half of whatever game I'm playing, then my cockiness gets to my head and I fail miserably by the end of it.
Lyndsey almost sucked as bad as I did.. but she got better towards the end. Haha. Cutie.
Without Tanner on my team, I would of most definitely lost.

Anyways, I had fun. Today is Friday, and I'm stoked for this weekend.
OH! And 6 more days until Brand New in Vegas. Woooo!!!

Live it up, live it up-

Or just come back home.
Yeah, cause these city lights are too much for you alone.
But San Francisco sounds quite lovely..
And so I'll just wait for your call I promise, I promise I'm holy, lonely.



Words cannot describe how much I love Lydia. They fall into my top 5 favorite bands so easily.
I've had good cries, and good times with all of their songs. And it's always in the fall and spring that I love them the most.
I'm going to their show tonight, and it will be the second time I've seen them. I can't wait.
<3

Back in the game-

Wow, I haven't written anything on here in quite some time.
Starting right now, I'm going to make a goal to write at least once a day.
Hopefully I can stick to it.

Today has been a lazy day.
It's getting cold out, the colors in the trees are changing.
Winter is on it's way. Everything just always moves so fast.
The older I get, the quicker the years go.
I remember learning to ride my bike like it was yesterday.
Biggest accomplishment ever, at the time.
But now that I'm getting older, there is so much more headed my way.
I'm nervous, but excited at the same time.
This life is so short, I pray to god that I do at least half the things I want to accomplish in life.
Time's a wastin'.
And I'm not getting any younger.

Today, I had to write a short poem for my online English class about symbolism.
We had to pick something that represented how we feel, how we are precieved, etc.
And this is what I wrote.

Roots-

I am a willow tree, they say I grow stronger in the wind.
That I can endure anything; heartache, conflict, sin.

But I am a willow tree, with roots that in my years have grown very deep.
Most find beauty in my outer appearance, it's all anyone ever sees.

I'm a willow tree, hiding behind my leaves.
Too entwined in the earth, to be set free.

What a dream.

Before I forget, I wanted to write down the crazy dream I had last night.

- I was an actress, on the set of a movie called Running With the Boys. I was starring with Matthew Lillard and Heath Ledger. And in the plot of this movie, I had been a girl who moved into a place I wouldn't fit in with any of the girls my age, so all through an eventful summer I was simply "running with the boys" I would go on crazy midnight summer adventures with them and they all teased me and called one of the guys, but towards the end of filming, Heath Ledger's character grabbed my hand while we were standing by a fire, he saw I was listening to my iPod. The song was " Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles. And he said "I love this song!" as he grabbed one of the ear buds and put one in his ear and we danced slowly and very close to the fire as we softly sang to me, it was practically a whisper, and I began to close my eyes.

Well, after I had opened my eyes I was no longer with him on the set, but I was a few years older watching the movie on a little TV in a small run down apartment in SLC with my friend Mariah. She looked at me and asked if I ever missed that. And then I realized that I could never relive that memory because Heath had passed away.

I became upset, and left the apartment to go on a lonely walk throughout downtown Salt Lake. Not too long after I started walking my cell phone rang, with a private number. I answered, and the Heath Ledger version of Here Comes the Sun was playing, I thought it was some kind of sick joke, and I yelled to the other end that what they were doing wasn't funny to me at all. Then, what I thought was the recording started laughing, and continued to sing, there was no way it was a recording. I looked all around to see if someone was watching me, and after searching the buildings around me, I saw Heath standing behind a window where he was pulling back the curtain, it was the only light on at 3 am in SLC and I screamed in joy "I knew you were still here!!" And before I could say anything to him, he disappeared from the window, and no one was on the other line. I immediately broke into tears and sat in the nearest park bench.

Then I felt an overwhelming sense of comfort as I was held tightly in a warm familiar hug. The man whispered "Little darling, it's alright." (part of the lyrics) and I looked up to Heath sitting next to me smiling, and all I could feel was an incredible sense of peace. And he said with a beautiful smile " I'll be checking in with you now that we live in the same place." -

I woke up from this dream in tears, and I didn't even know why. It was just so emotional for me, and while I was eating breakfast, I searched Heath Ledger- here comes the sun in google, and it came up as one of the first results that it was one of his favorite songs, and it was played at his funeral.

I'm still a little shocked about it all, even though it was only a dream, it's really made me think.

ANYWAYS, enough writing for today. :p

the end!

Happy.

Happiness; a state of well-being and contentment.

I don't think that it is at all possible for anyone to set a standard on happiness.

Everyone is driven by different things, when one might be content in beating a video game, the other is content reaching the top of a mountain.

In places like India, people are satisfied by the bare basics and nothing more. Their society doesn't tell them that they have to have the highest paying job, or the nicest cars.

America doesn't necessarily find happiness in what others find good or wholesome according to their values... but we also find happiness in a lot of other things.

I think the same thing goes for religion and social groups. If being a part of either is how you find your bliss, your happiness then that's your bliss or happiness.

I would never tell someone they weren't happy in how they live their life or how they have set their values. You can't ever find yourself in someone else.

And in finding yourself, I personally believe, is when you are the happiest of all.

That's all for today.

Lyrics.

Gotta love Modest Mouse.

Woke up this morning and it seemed to me, that every night turns out to be A little more like Bukowski. And yeah, I know he's a pretty good read. But God who'd wanna be? God who'd wanna be such an asshole? God who'd wanna be? God who'd wanna be such an asshole? Well we sat on the edge of the river, the crowd screamed, "Sacrifice the liver!" If God takes life, he's an Indian giver. So tell me now why, you'll tell me never. Who would wanna be? Who would wanna be such a control freak? Well who would wanna be? Who would wanna be such a control freak? Well see what you wanna see. You should see it all.Well take what you want from me. You deserve it all.Nine times out of ten our hearts just get dissolved.Well I want a better place or just a better way to fall.But one time out of ten, everything is perfect for us all. Well I want a better place or just a better way to fall. Here we go! If God controls the land and disease, keeps a watchful eye on me, If he's really so damn mighty, my problem is I can't see, well who would wanna be? Who would wanna be such a control freak? Well who would wanna be? Who would wanna be such a control freak? Evil home stereo, what good songs do you know? Evil me, oh yeah I know, what good curves can you throw? Well all that icing and all that cake, I can't make it to your wedding, but I'm sure I'll be at your wake. You were talk, talk, talk, talkin' in circles that day, when you get to the point make sure that I'm still awake, OK? Went to bed and didn't see why every day turns out to be a little bit more like Bukowski. And yeah, I know he's a pretty good read. But God who'd wanna be? God who'd wanna be such an asshole?

That's all I have to say about today. Haha.

Bittersweet.

Today my family took my oldest brother to the MTC.
I'm bummed out that he wont be here for two years, especially because he is the only brother I actually get along with...
But I really did enjoy his company..
and I never really let him know how much he means to me.
I wanted to, but the words didn't come out.
All I could do was cry when he gave me his last hug before leaving.
:/

But at the same time, I am SO jealous he gets to go to New Zealand and escape America for awhile.
I know he'll do a good job. He usually does no matter what it is that he does.

Now, I'm off to work.
Hopefully it's a laid back day.
I've had my share of emotions for the day.

Weird.

So, I decided that I'm probably going to use this blog thing as a journal more than anything, I doubt people will read it... but if they do..
It's whatever.
My life is pretty open as it is anyways.
Hmmm.. Journal entry #1....

Today has been a really interesting day.
Barack Obama was sworn in as America's 44th president...
My brother leaves for the MTC tomorrow preparing for his Mission in Auckland, New Zealand...
I moved all my stuff from my room into his room in the basement...
I went job hunting for a second job...
and that just about sums up my whole day.

January so far has been a pretty quiet month.
I've had a lot of time to think, sleep, and just relax for the most part.

I've made the usual New Years resolutions, but I think this year I may actually follow through...
(:

We'll see!