I don't even know-

About anyone or anything anymore.

Let alone myself.

I don't know why I continuously set myself up for failure.

It's like I'm playing with fire.

I know i'll get burned, and all fires will burn me.

Yet, I still have some sick fascination with it.

As if I think I'm immune to a burn.

I seem to think fire will quench my thirst.

That's how ignorant I am.

Time to extinguish this mess I've made

And see what's left when the smoke clears.

Which I'm sure, isn't much.

Domino effect-

It's funny how one bad incident, one falling out can lead to a number of bad incidents or falling outs.

I feel like it's just one thing after another.

And I don't feel like making the effort in setting myself up again, in feat that I will just get knocked down again.

Lately, I've been a pessimist. And I don't like that.

I just wish that my life wasn't so scattered right now.

I wish I could find the pieces, so I could begin patching myself together.

I know it'll be hard, and I'll be stepping out of my comfort zone in doing so..

But I have to.

What chance do I have, without risk anyways?

Hmmmm.

Back to square one.

Sick and tired, or being sick and tired. In every sense-

I've yet to meet someone who has been able to prove to me that trust is attainable.
Every example I've ever had has let me down.
In one way, or another.
No one knows what it means, or how to respect the ones they care for.
 I feel so much safer in the four walls that I've built, and I plan on staying there.
Where no one can reach me.
It's to the point where I'd almost rather feel nothing, than feel betrayal or heartache.
And I hate that I feel that way.
They say that once you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up.
I wonder what all that applies to.
I wonder if it means.. that, everyone in your life can fuck you over multiple times..
then one day magically it'll all change and everyone that comes into your life will be trustworthy and loyal?
Doubting it.
I've been at rock bottom for a while now.
And even through my most optimistic days, there is always someone there to humble me.
Someone to say, who are you kidding?
I wish that when you were born you came with a letter, that you could read when you came of age..
Saying-

Dear Brynn,
Welcome to the planet Earth, where everyone back stabs each other and at the end of the day, all that matters is yourself. And everyone lives that way. No matter how good you are to people, karma does not exist. No one can ever offer you the love that you could offer them. So you're better off just loving yourself, and dying alone.
Sincerely,
The man in the sky.

What if's and maybe's-

I can't help but wonder what life would of been like if you would have never left us.

If I would be happier than I am now, if we would fight just like mom and I do..

I wonder if I'd be able to trust any male figure that enters my life to stick around.

I wonder if my view of heaven would be so open. Since you broke the rules by taking the easy way out.

I wonder if you look down at me and cry, and get angry like I do. Angry that you can't hold my hand, or brush through my hair, or dance with me at the bottom of the stairs. 

I hate what you've done to me, what hole you've left in who I am.

I hate that everyday that passes, the sound of your voice starts to slip from my memory.

Or maybe I hate it more that it's been 5 years and I can still smell you every time I look at your leather coats.

Maybe it's that I can see you're twinkle in grandma's eye.

Maybe it's that I know I have a long ways to go without you leading the way.

Maybe it's that I never got to say goodbye.

Maybe it's that I didn't know you would leave.

Or maybe it's just that I know you're not that far from me.

Maybe it's that I know you can see me, but I can't see you.

Or maybe it's that I know I'll see you again one day,

but patience is a virtue, that I have yet to learn.

I'm officially the worst bowler I know-

So, last night instead of going to the haunted asylum in Tooele.. we went bowling. We showed up at the asylum and it looked really dumb. Total waste of gas, but singing to cheesy country songs and sippin' on some Arizona green tea made it all the better. Haha.
I have a problem. You see, I get really cocky when it comes to games.. and I do good for the first half of whatever game I'm playing, then my cockiness gets to my head and I fail miserably by the end of it.
Lyndsey almost sucked as bad as I did.. but she got better towards the end. Haha. Cutie.
Without Tanner on my team, I would of most definitely lost.

Anyways, I had fun. Today is Friday, and I'm stoked for this weekend.
OH! And 6 more days until Brand New in Vegas. Woooo!!!

Live it up, live it up-

Or just come back home.
Yeah, cause these city lights are too much for you alone.
But San Francisco sounds quite lovely..
And so I'll just wait for your call I promise, I promise I'm holy, lonely.



Words cannot describe how much I love Lydia. They fall into my top 5 favorite bands so easily.
I've had good cries, and good times with all of their songs. And it's always in the fall and spring that I love them the most.
I'm going to their show tonight, and it will be the second time I've seen them. I can't wait.
<3

Back in the game-

Wow, I haven't written anything on here in quite some time.
Starting right now, I'm going to make a goal to write at least once a day.
Hopefully I can stick to it.

Today has been a lazy day.
It's getting cold out, the colors in the trees are changing.
Winter is on it's way. Everything just always moves so fast.
The older I get, the quicker the years go.
I remember learning to ride my bike like it was yesterday.
Biggest accomplishment ever, at the time.
But now that I'm getting older, there is so much more headed my way.
I'm nervous, but excited at the same time.
This life is so short, I pray to god that I do at least half the things I want to accomplish in life.
Time's a wastin'.
And I'm not getting any younger.

Today, I had to write a short poem for my online English class about symbolism.
We had to pick something that represented how we feel, how we are precieved, etc.
And this is what I wrote.

Roots-

I am a willow tree, they say I grow stronger in the wind.
That I can endure anything; heartache, conflict, sin.

But I am a willow tree, with roots that in my years have grown very deep.
Most find beauty in my outer appearance, it's all anyone ever sees.

I'm a willow tree, hiding behind my leaves.
Too entwined in the earth, to be set free.